Today you will be depressed by your failures. Remember that you are not alone! Other people are depressed by your failures too.

There is no point in hiding. They can see it in your eyes.

Tonight you will dream the most perfect dream of your life. Everything will make sense in The Dream. The Dream will be beautiful. The Dream will be perfect. You will not remember The Dream.

Today you will wonder why all your relationships end in tears. You will consider that the tears may be a result of the brand of gasoline with which you've just finished dousing boy/girlfriend’s apartment.

“Wait”, you will think, “Is it possible to be allergic to gasoline?” You are over thinking it as usual! Try to just enjoy the moment. Look it up on Wikipedia later.

Today, when you’re driving home from the office, realization will finally dawn. For a moment this material existence will become beautifully insignificant. Nothing in this world will matter – not the wars nor the pollution nor the steering wheel. For a moment everything is perfect – everything makes sense to you. It will not make sense to the judge.

Today you will realize that you are in love with Grease. Sure, you’ve always liked the movie, but today you can’t understand how the depth of the emotion never occurred to you before. You may feel slightly dirty after masturbating to “You’re the one that I want”, but this is only because you are cheating on someone. Break up with your boy/girlfriend if applicable, and if not: stop watching Fight Club for fuck’s sake - you’re a one-movie-man/woman now.

The Scorpios are out to get you. Those fuckers are crazy. And they are coming. Run. Run!

Libra have gone too far this time. You fucking told them to stay away from your man/woman. You fucking told those cock-ass-fuck-holes!! Buy a gun. Go to town.

Is it possible to get a buzz from snorting toothpaste? Like, we’ve all tried a little with no success, but what if you do, like, a lot? The stars say that today is a good day to find out.

Today you will convince yourself that you are gay. You will get your best friend drunk and kiss him/her. You will feel nothing. Except disappointment.

Today, after work, you will decide to take the long way home. This is good, but not good enough. Today is the day you should just keep on driving. And maybe you’ll go home tomorrow.

Always remember that you are unique! Well... quite unique anyway. Pretty unique...

More unique than those fucking Capricorns anyway...