So I've been pretty terrible about this whole "updating every Thursday" thing, especially since I ran out of backlogged hourly comics. I'm sorry! Here are four of the things I've been doing instead of providing you with quality content.
Thing number one: One of my teeth has been dead since I was a (smaller) child and smashed my face into some concrete. You know; for kicks! Then I went through some deeply traumatizing dental procedures and up until recently the dead tooth remained in my mouth, mostly to teach the other teeth a lesson and stop them from getting too big for their metaphorical tooth-britches. But about a year ago the damn tooth went undead on me and started acting up so it's now been replaced with a FAKE TOOTH.
I took some 'before' and 'after' pictures but the 'before' picture - where I looked like a pirate - was tragically lost in a cloud of ones and zeros. I've digitally rendered the left photograph to give you an approximation:
But seriously, the 'before' picture was freaking great and I think it's still lurking in the phone's recycle bin so if someone would please come to my house and root my android I will give you my ukulele and one of my legs.
Thing number two: I've been preparing to start a new podcast. Unlike that other podcast it will be in English and consist entirely of live reading of terrible fanfiction and other horrible things people have created on the web. Yes, that is the whole concept. It is a great concept, I promise you, and it will update every other Thursday starting next week! No, actually probably the week after that? I don't know, I have to do some more design work. But it's going to be great - I guarantee that, like, at least five people will get it.
Thing number three: This one is a secret.
Thing number four: I entered a competition to write a death scene for the podcast Pod Your Own Adventure which is a podcast where they read/play/pod choose your own adventure games. How great of a concept is that? A very great of a concept, says I, and I know a thing or two about podcast concepts (see 'thing number two')! My entry won so you can hear it at the end of episode 16 of the podcast or you can read it right here:
You decide to freestyle rap your way out of this one!
So far you've kept your interest in hip hop "on the down low", rapping to yourself as you sharpen your sword or separate your laundry - that kind of thing - but this seems like the perfect time to unveil your skills.
The Dragon yawns, a glow of orange glimpsed deep in its monstrous gullet. The villagers watch you with wide hopeful eyes; eyes that widen further as you step up to the Dragon and start to flow.
You care not for MC's that just go on about treasure and maidens so you put in lots of wordplay and, you know, intellectual shit. The flow is sick. The rhymes are crisp. Soon you are falling into what can only be described as a trance. You are barely aware of what you're saying, but you catch a few words as they're shooting out of your jaws:
While I rap you sit quiet,
I'm the one spitting fire,
you should quit and retire,
fight or flight - you're a flyer!
PRETTY HELLA RAD.
Anyways, you decide to add a little dancing to this shiz and soon gleaming beads of sweat are raining out from inside your visor as well as gushing out of the foot and hand-holes of your full plate armour like little babbling brooks.
You finish on an extra sick burn and all the villagers cheer. Triumph glows in your heart.
The Dragon steps upon you like that foot from Monty Python.
Blood and guts pour out of your armour as you lie there in a crumpled heap. What were you thinking? Rapping? How could that possibly help in this situation? Well, at least you had one moment of total perfection - your sick flow will surely be remembered for centuries to come!
Oh... No, hey, looks like the Dragon is really chomping down on those villagers. Yeah. Doesn't look like any of them will survive to tell the tale. Bummer.
You die in agony, full of regrets.